star trek scotty quotes

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• Star Trek (2009)

Scotty Quotes in Star Trek (2009)

Scotty quotes:.

Scotty : I like this ship! You know, it's exciting!

Spock Prime : What if I told you that your transwarp theory was correct, that is is indeed possible to beam onto a ship that is traveling at warp speed?

Scotty : I think if that equation had been discovered, I'd have heard about it.

Spock Prime : The reason you haven't heard of it, Mr. Scott, is because you haven't discovered it yet.

Scotty : I'm s... Wha... It... Are you from the future?

James T. Kirk : Yeah, he is. I'm not.

Scotty : Well, that's brilliant. Do they still have sandwiches there?

Spock Prime : You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming?

Scotty : That's what I'm talking about! How do you think I wound up here? Had a little debate with my instructor on relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a... like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it with a life form. So, I tested it out on Admiral Archer's prized beagle.

James T. Kirk : Wait, I know that dog. What happened to it?

Scotty : I'll tell you when it reappears. Ahem. I don't know, I do feel guilty about that.

Scotty : Except, the thing is, even if I believed you, right, where you're from, what I've done - which I don't, by the way - you're still talking about beaming aboard the Enterprise while she's traveling faster than light, without a proper receiving pad.

Scotty : [ to Keenser ] Get off there! It's not a climbing frame!

Scotty : [ back to Spock Prime ] The notion of transwarp beaming is like trying to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse.

[ Spock writes on a paper ]

Scotty : What's that?

Spock Prime : Your equation for achieving transwarp beaming.

Scotty : [ to himself ] He's out of it

Scotty : [ reads the equation ] Imagine that! It never occurred to me to think of SPACE as the thing that was moving!

[ the U.S.S. Enterprise is being sucked into a black hole, seconds away from doom ]

Scotty : I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!

[ the bridge ceiling begins to crack as the ship's drawn closer ]

James T. Kirk : All she's got isn't good enough! What else ya got?

Scotty : Um... Okay, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away! I cannae promise anything, though!

[ the viewing window starts to rupture ]

James T. Kirk : DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

Spock : We are traveling at warp speed. How did you manage to beam aboard this ship?

James T. Kirk : Hey, you're the genius. You figure it out.

Spock : As acting captain of this vessel, I order you to answer the question.

James T. Kirk : Well, I'm not telling, "Acting Captain." What, did...?

[ Kirk smiles ]

James T. Kirk : What, now, that doesn't frustrate you, does it? My lack of cooperation? That-that doesn't make you angry...

Spock : [ Spock turns to Scotty ] Are you a member of Starfleet?

Scotty : I, um, yes. Can I get a towel, please?

Spock : Under penalty of court martial, I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp.

Scotty : Well...

James T. Kirk : Don't answer him.

Spock : You will answer me.

Scotty : [ pause ] I'd rather not take sides.

[ Spock Prime and Kirk arrive at a derelict Starfleet outpost, and discover... ]

Scotty : You realize how unacceptable this is?

Spock Prime : Fascinating!

Scotty : Okay, I'm sure you're just doing your job, but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I've been here, living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good meal! And I know exactly what's going on here, okay? Punishment, isn't it? Ongoing! For something that was clearly an accident!

Spock Prime : [ pleased ] You are Montgomery Scott.

James T. Kirk : You know him?

Scotty : Aye, that's me. You're in the right place. Unless there's another hardworking, equally starved Starfleet officer around.

Keenser : Me.

Scotty : Get aff! Shut up! You don't eat anything! You can eat, like, a bean, and you're done. I'm talking about food. REAL food!

Scotty : I've never beamed three people from two targets onto one pad before!

Scotty : So, the Enterprise has had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady. I'd like to get my hands on her "ample nacelles," if you pardon the engineering parlance.

James T. Kirk : Scotty, how we doin'?

Scotty : Dilithium chamber at maximum, Captain.

Scotty : [ noticing Keenser straddling a console ] GET DOWN!

Scotty : If it isn't Captain James Tiberius Perfect-Hair!

[ to Keenser ]

Scotty : Did you hear that? I called him "Perfect-Hair".

James T. Kirk : Where are you?

Scotty : Where are you?

James T. Kirk : Are you drunk?

Scotty : What I do on my private time is my business, Jim.

Scotty : Wait. Jim, if we go in there, we'll die! Do you hear me? The radiation will kill us! Will you listen to me? Look, what the hell are you doing?

James T. Kirk : I'm opening the door. I'm going in.

Scotty : The door's there to stop us from getting irradiated! We'd be dead before making the climb!

James T. Kirk : [ quietly ] You're not making the climb.

[ Kirk knocks out Scotty and enters the chamber ]

Scotty : [ Kirk and Bones return to the Enterprise on Nibiru ] Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to hide a starship on the bottom of the ocean?

James T. Kirk : [ asking Scotty to investigate the coordinates Khan gave him ] I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for, but I have a feeling you'll know it when you see it. You may have been right about those torpedoes.

Scotty : [ surprised at Jim's admission ] I will consider that an apology. And I will consider that apology.

Scotty : Welcome aboard.

James T. Kirk : It's good to see you too, Scotty.

Scotty : [ to Khan ] Are you crazy? Whoever you are.

James T. Kirk : Just listen to him, Scotty. It's gonna be alright.

[ from trailer ]

Scotty : The ship's dead, sir! She's gone!

James T. Kirk : No, she's not...

Scotty : [ gesturing to the warp core ] Do you know what this is, Captain?

James T. Kirk : I don't have time for a lecture, Scotty!

Scotty : [ more forcefully ] Do you know what this is?

James T. Kirk : [ sighs ] It's a warp core.

Scotty : It's a radioactive catastrophe waiting to happen. A subtle shift in magnetic output from, say, firing one or more of six dozen torpedoes with an unknown payload could set of a chain reaction which would kill every living thing on this ship, letting these torpedoes on the Enterprise is the last straw!

James T. Kirk : What was the first straw?

Scotty : What was the...

Scotty : -there are plenty of straws, how about Starfleet confiscating my transwarp equation, and now some madman is using it to hop across the galaxy! Where'd you think he got it from!

James T. Kirk : We have our orders, Scotty.

Scotty : That's what scares me... this is clearly a military operation. Is that what we are now? Cause I thought we were explorers. I thought we...

James T. Kirk : Sign for the torpedoes. That's an order.

Scotty : Right. Well you leave me no choice but to resign my duties.

James T. Kirk : Oh come on, Scotty.

Scotty : You're giving me no choice, sir!

James T. Kirk : You're not giving me much of a choice!

Scotty : I will not stand by and...

James T. Kirk : You're just making exceptions, sign for the...

Scotty : [ forcefully ] Do you accept my resignation or not?

James T. Kirk : I DO!... I do. You are relieved Mr. Scott.

Scotty : [ after a long pause ] Jim... for the love of God, do not use those torpedoes.

[ hands Kirk his PADD and walks away, Keenser does the same ]

Scotty : No! I'm not signing anything! Now get these bloody things off my ship!

[ sees Kirk ]

Scotty : Captain!

James T. Kirk : Is there a problem, Mr. Scott?

Scotty : Aye, sir! I was just explaining to this gentlemen that I cannae authorize any weapons on board this ship without knowing what's inside them!

Spock : Mr. Scott raises yet another point that le...

James T. Kirk : Report to the bridge.

Spock : Captain.

[ leaves the engineering room ]

James T. Kirk : Mr. Scott, I understand your concerns but we need these torpedoes on board!

Scotty : Due respect, sir, but photo torpedoes run on fuel, now I cannae detect the type of fuel that's in the compartments on these torpedoes because it's shielded. Now I asked for the specifications but he says...

[ gestures to Torpedo Security ]

Torpedo Security : It's classified.

Scotty : [ repeating exasperatedly ] It's classified. So I said; no specs, no signature!

Sulu : [ from deck above ] Captain, flight checks complete, we're good to go, sir.

James T. Kirk : Thank you, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu : Yes, sir.

Scotty : Now if you'll excuse me, sir, I have a warp core to prime.

[ walks away ]

Scotty : [ to Keenser ] Get down!

Bones : Jim, your vitals are way off...

James T. Kirk : Report to the medbay.

[ follows Scotty to the warp core ]

James T. Kirk : Scotty! I need you to approve those weapons.

Scotty : It's been upgraded to a 10.9 by the guys at Harvard.

Adrian Helmsley : What does Caltech have to say?

Professor West : The whole city of Pasadena was wiped out just a few minutes ago.

Ark Communications Officer : The capital's been hit by a 9.4.

Ark Communications Officer : We've lost communication with the White House, sir.

Adrian Helmsley : Where's it centered?

Scotty : North Chesapeake Bay.

McCoy : [ Kirk runs in to the engine room and sees Spock inside the reactor compartment. He rushes over but McCoy and Scotty hold him back ] No! You'll flood the whole compartment!

Kirk : He'll die!

Scotty : Sir! He's dead already.

McCoy : It's too late.

[ They let go and Kirk walks to the glass and pushes the intercom button ]

Kirk : Spock!

[ Spock slowly walks over to the glass and pushes the intercom ]

Spock : The ship... out of danger?

Kirk : Yes.

Spock : Do not grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many, outweigh...

Kirk : The needs of the few.

Spock : Or the one. I never took the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

Kirk : Spock.

[ Spock sits down ]

Spock : [ Gasping ] I have been... and always shall be... your friend.

[ he places a Vulcan salute on the glass ]

Spock : [ Gasping ] Live long... and prosper.

[ Spock dies ]

Scotty : The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps.

Preston : I believe you'll find everything ship-shape, Admiral.

Kirk : Oh, do you? Do you have any idea, Midshipman Preston, how many times I have had to listen to Mr. Scott on the comm, telling me his trouble? Do you have any idea of the ribbing I've had to endure in the officers' mess... to the effect that the Enterprise is a flying death trap?

Preston : Oh, no sir! Wha... this is the finest engine room in the whole Starfleet! If the Admiral can't see the facts for himself, then, with all due respect, he's as blind as a Tiberian bat!

Scotty : Ahem!

Preston : Sir!

Kirk : Midshipman, you're a tiger.

Scotty : My sister's youngest, Admiral. Crazy to get to space.

Kirk : Every young man's fantasy. Seem to remember it myself.

[ Kirk is invited to give a command to the new Enterprise-B ]

Kirk : Take us out.

Chekov : Very good, sir.

Scotty : Brought a tear to my eye.

Kirk : Oh, be quiet.

Scotty : Finding retirement a little lonely, are we?

Kirk : You know, I'm glad you're an engineer. With tact like that, you'd make a lousy psychiatrist.

Scotty : Loser.

Lou : Cat person.

Kirk : What are we all doing here?

McCoy : Maybe they're throwing us a retirement party.

Scotty : That suits me. I just bought a boat.

Uhuru : This had better be good. I'm supposed to be chairing a seminar at the Academy.

Chekov : Captain, isn't this just for top brass?

McCoy : If we're all here, where's Sulu?

Kirk : *Captain* Sulu, on assignment. Where's Spock?

[ their first look at the USS Excelsior ]

Uhura : Would you look at that.

Kirk : My friends, the great experiment: The Excelsior. Ready for trial runs.

Sulu : She's supposed to have transwarp drive.

Scotty : Aye. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.

Kirk : Come, come, Mr. Scott. Young minds, fresh ideas. Be tolerant.

Kirk : How much refit time before we can take her out again?

Scotty : Eight weeks, sir. But ye don't have eight weeks, so I'll do it for ye in two.

Kirk : Mr. Scott. Have you always multiplied your repair estimates by a factor of four?

Scotty : Certainly, sir. How else can I keep my reputation as a miracle worker?

Kirk : [ over the intercom ] Your reputation is secure, Scotty.

Kirk : Scotty, you're as good as your word.

Scotty : Aye, sir. The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.

[ giving McCoy a handful of computer chips ]

Scotty : Here, Doctor, souvenirs from one surgeon to another. I took them out of her main transwarp computer drive.

McCoy : Nice of you to tell me in advance.

Kirk : That's what you get for missing staff meetings, Doctor. Gentlemen, your work today has been outstanding and I intend to recommend you all for promotion... in whatever fleet we end up serving.

Scotty : All systems automated and ready. A chimpanzee and two trainees could run her.

Kirk : Thank you, Mr. Scott. I'll try not to take that personally.

Captain Styles : Ah, Mr. Scott. Calling it a night?

Scotty : Uh, yes sir.

Captain Styles : Turning in myself, looking forward to breaking some of the Enterprise's speed records tomorrow.

Scotty : Ah, yes sir.

[ behind his back, frowning ]

Scotty : Good night.

Elevator voice : Level, please.

Scotty : Transporter room.

Elevator voice : Thank you.

Scotty : [ under breath ] Up your shaft.

Scotty : [ studying the Klingon Bird-of-Prey's helm ] Where's the damn antimatter inducer?

Chekov : This?... no, *this*!

Scotty : That or nothing.

Sulu : If I read this right, sir, we have full power.

Kirk : [ exasperated ] Go, Sulu!

[ the Enterprise is approaching the closed Spacedock doors ]

Kirk : And... *now*, Mr. Scott.

Scotty : Sir?

Kirk : The doors, Mr. Scott!

Scotty : Aye, sir, I'm working on it!

Elevator voice : Level please.

Scotty : Up your shaft.

Kirk : Mr. Scott, you're amazing!

Scotty : There's nothing amazing about it. I know this ship like the back of my hand.

[ walks into low-hanging beam, knocks himself out cold ]

Kirk : Stand by to execute emergency landing plan... "B."

[ a brief pause ]

Chekov : What's emergency landing plan "B?"

Scotty : I don't have a clue.

Kirk : [ on Comm system ] "B" as in Barricade.

Scotty : He can't be serious.

Scotty : [ to Kirk about ship status ] Ah. All I can say is they don't make them like they used to.

Kirk : You told me you could get this ship operational in two weeks, I gave you three, what happened?

Scotty : I think you gave me too much time, Captain.

Kirk : Very well, Mr Scott. Carry on.

Scotty : Aye, sir.

[ Spots a junior engineer nearby ]

Scotty : How many times do I have to tell you, the right tool for the right job!

McCoy : [ laughs ] I don't think I've ever seen him happier.

[ They enter the turbolift ]

Computer : Le-le-level?

Kirk : Bridge... I hope. I could use a shower.

Spock : [ looks at Kirk ] Yes.

Kirk : [ responds to a tapping within the wall ] What's that noise?

Spock : [ tapping continues ] I believe it is a primitive form of communication known as morse Code.

Kirk : You're right. I'm out of practice.

[ tapping ]

Kirk : That's an "S".

Spock : "T".

Kirk : "A"... "N"... "D", end of word.

McCoy : "Stand".

Kirk : New word... "B"... "A"...

Spock : "C"... "K".

McCoy : "Back". "Stand back".

Kirk ,  Spock ,  McCoy : "Stand back"?

[ the wall explodes ]

Scotty : [ on the other side of the wall ] What are you standing around for? Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one?

[ Chief Engineer Scott making a log entry ]

Scotty : USS Enterprise, shakedown crew's report. I think this new ship was put together by monkeys. Oh, she's got a fine engine, but half the doors won't open, and guess whose job it is to make it right.

Scotty : [ cursing, on his back trying to fix a computer console ] "Let's see what she's got," said the captain. And then we found out, didn't we?

Uhura : [ walking in ] I know you'll whip her into shape, Scotty, you always do.

Scotty : [ getting up ] Uhura, I thought you were on leave.

Uhura : And I thought we were supposed to be going together.

Scotty : Oh, I can't leave her now when she needs me the most.

Uhura : [ stroking Scotty's cheek ] I had a feeling you would say something like that, so I brought us...

[ whipping up two packages ]

Uhura : dinner.

Scotty : [ grabbing a package ] Oh, lassie. You're the most understanding woman I know.

Starfleet Officer : [ transmission on a malfunctioning computer ] Red-Red-Red Alert. Red Alert. Red-Red-Red Alert.

Scotty : I just fixed that damn thing! Turn it off, will you?

McCoy : Jim... if you ask me, and you haven't, I think this is a terrible idea. We're bound to bump into the Klingons, and they don't exactly like you.

Kirk : The feeling's mutual. Engine room.

Scotty : [ over the intercom ] Scotty here.

Kirk : We'll need all the power you can muster, mister.

Scotty : Don't you worry, Captain. We'll beat those Klingon devils, even if I have to get out and push.

Kirk : I hope it won't come to that, Mr. Scott.

Captain Doyle : Cappuccino? Espresso?

[ tries to dispense some, but the coffee machine flies sparks ]

Captain Doyle : Hey Scotty, can you get this machine to work?

Scotty : I'm givin' it all she's got, Captain! If I push it any farther, the whole thing'll blow!

Scotty : The aerodynamics work! He's breaking wind at 90!

[ faced with a 20th century computer ]

Scotty : Computer! Computer?

[ He's handed a mouse, and he speaks into it ]

Scotty : Hello, computer.

Dr. Nichols : Just use the keyboard.

Scotty : Keyboard. How quaint.

[ Kirk has just spoken very abruptly to Mr. Scott ]

Scotty : He's in a wee bit of a snit, isn't he?

Spock : He is a man of deep feelings.

Scotty : Aye, what else is new?

Scotty : Admiral, there be whales here!

McCoy : You, ah, realize of course that if we give him the formula we're altering the future.

Scotty : Why? How do we know he didn't invent the thing?

[ the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new starship will be ]

Sulu : ...I'm counting on the *Excelsior*.

Scotty : The *Excelsior*? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?

Kirk : A ship is a ship.

Scotty : Whatever you say so.

Scotty : Thy will be done.

[ the new starship USS *Enterprise* 1701-A emerges into view ]

Kirk : My friends.

Kirk : We've come home.

Scotty : Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon - that's hard.

[ Kirk is pacing back and forth, considering a below-decks room in the Klingon ship for possible whale transport ]

Kirk : Scotty, how long is this bay?

Scotty : About sixty feet, Admiral.

Kirk : Can you enclose it to hold water?

Scotty : [ laughs ] I suppose I could. You planning to take a swim?

McCoy : [ sourly ] Off the deep end, Mr. Scott!

Kirk : We got to find some humpbacks.

Scotty : Humpbacked... people?

Kirk : Whales, Mr. Scott, whales!

Scotty : [ over the intercom ] I'm ready, Spock! Let's go find George and Gracie!

Soren : Good heavens!

[ as he enters the dorm room ]

Soren : I thought you had to be convicted of a crime before you lived somewhere like this.

Eddie : Well it's not that bad. Plus, we haven't seen the rest of it yet.

[ opens closet door ]

Soren : Apparently, this is the rest of it.

Eddie : Well I like it. And I'll even let you have first choice of the beds.

Soren : Ooo, heavens, which stained mattress shall I choose?

Scotty : [ enters, coughing, sniffling, and clearing throat ] You the new guys? I'm Scotty. All right, all my food's labeled, so I'll know if you ate anything. I'm allergic to dairy, shellfish, red meat, melon, nuts, and kiwi, so don't bring any of that stuff around here.

[ sits down at computer ]

Scotty : The X-box is off limits. If you screw up any of my high scores, I'll blind you with my laser pointer.

Soren : [ Eddie enters the dormroom where Soren is hooked playing the XBox ] Whoa.

Scotty : [ to Eddie ] He's been like this since I got here yesterday.

Soren : Whoa.

Scotty : [ jumps to take back the console ] Give it back!

Soren : Back off Clearisil!

[ Scotty jumps backs to where he was ]

Scotty : [ Soren slaps Scotty's hand which was directing toward Soren's last royally-paid-for breakfast ] Hey, you cheap Swede!

Scotty : [ Scotty just realizing that Paige is present in the dormroom who has been there for a minute or so ] Dude. Dude, there's a chick in our room!

Paige : Where's Eddie?

Scotty : Oh, you mean, prince-who-ate-my-triscuits-and-didn't-replace-them?

Ens. Frank Pulver : You mean after everything I've told you, you think I *could* be a doctor?

Scotty : By rights, you should be a good one. You have more people to prove yourself to than anyone I ever heard of. You should cash in on that. My family's in business. They say the big trick is to turn liabilities into assets.

Bea : If I were a man, I wouldn't be a lapdog tied to any woman's apron strings.

Scotty : I might surprise you.

Bea : You probably won't.

Scotty : You're gonna realise, marriage is an idea whose time has come and gone.

Blu : [ Watching Belinda on tape ] What about her?

Scotty : For the inside man?

Blu : For you, she'd be perfect.

Scotty : Perfect? She only has nine fingers.

Scotty : [ Finds footage of Belinda stepping out of her dress ] Look what I found.

Ellie : You can't watch this.

Blu : Au contrare, it's our duty to watch this.

Scotty : This is evidence of a crime.

Ellie : It's a crime alright.

Blu : She'd be a nice girl for you.

Scotty : I'm not going out with any girl you've seen naked.

Blu : She's not naked.

Scotty : She will be in a minute.

Blu : [ Watching Chester Robb on tape ] What's with Barn here?

Scotty : He's lost in thought.

Blu : That's a place where he'd be lost.

Scotty : I'm a fuggin' idiot. I'm a fuggin' idiot. Fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot...

Scotty : Leroy, did you know this is Chance Wayne... the famous Hollywood and Broadway celebrity?

Leroy : Really?

Bud : Sure. All bartenders become movie stars. Right, Chance?

Chance Wayne : Oh, well. What he's trying to say is that I had your job for too long.

Scotty : [ everyone is looking into the cellar after it flies open ] An animal? An animal? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Scotty : [ Taunting Cheryl by whispering ] Dead bodies in the cellar. Dead bodies in the...

Cheryl : Will you stop it!

Ash : Linda's still asleep. I don't know what else to do for her. It'll be dawn in a few hours so...

Scotty : I can't wait. I'm getting out of here... now!

Ash : Scotty, we can't take Linda anywhere with her leg like that. We don't even know if there is any other way back besides the bridge.

Scotty : Well... maybe there's an old road or a hiking trail or something. I mean, there must be another away around the cliff.

Ash : Listen to me. Linda cannot walk with her leg like that. She can't even stand up.

Scotty : So, we'll leave her here until we can send somebody back.

Ash : What, are you crazy? I'm not...

Scotty : [ interupting ] Look, I'm getting out of here! I don't care what happens to her! She's your girlfriend, you take care of her!

[ first lines ]

Scotty : Hey, Ash, where are we?

Ash : Well we just crossed the Tennessee border...

Scotty : I'm gonna break your face!

[ to Ash, after picking up a ceremonial dagger adorned with skulls ]

Scotty : This kinda looks like your old girlfriend! Ha ha ha.

Billy Buvanny : Scotty, you don't understand. I'm in love.

Scotty : Oh, you're in love.

Billy Buvanny : Yes, Scotty, I'm in love.

Scotty : Well, kiss me.

Billy Buvanny : Oh, shut up.

Scotty : Hey, listen, all dames are alike. There's no difference in any of 'em.

Billy Buvanny : Yeah, well Dee is different.

Scotty : Oh, yeah? Well, what's different about Dee?

Billy Buvanny : I'll tell ya. In the first place, she doesn't drink. And in the second place, she doesn't smoke.

Scotty : Oh, I see, she's like an old fashioned lamp. She don't smoke or drink, but, she goes out at nights.

Billy Buvanny : You think you're a wise guy.

Dave : Hey, Scotty, you're not Scotch, are you?

Scotty : No.

Dave : Then, why do they call you Scotty?

[ Scotty thinks ]

Scotty : Cause I'm Irish.

Scotty : Room?

Ross Haney : The best you got.

Scotty : Take your pick - there'll all bad.

Scotty : You know, I've only had three close friends in my day.

Ross Haney : Oh? Who were they?

Scotty : Two guns and a horse.

Scotty : Payne and Reynolds ran all the little ranchers off the range and they kept 'em off with lead. What do you plan to use for ammunition?

Ross Haney : Water.

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Quotes / Scotty Time

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Castor: I have obtained what you wanted. I'll need a couple of days for testing still, it's not quite ready yet. C: I don't have a couple of days. Castor: Rush this, and we risk a spatial collapse within The Consortium. C: If you want to restore the former glory of your family, I'd hurry. Make haste and remember; don't fail. — ANNO: Mutationem

Scotty: Do you mind a little advice? Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want. Geordi: Yeah, well, I told the Captain I'd have this analysis done in an hour. Scotty: How long would it really take? Geordi: An hour. Scotty: Oh, you didn't tell him how long it would really take, did you? Geordi: Well of course I did. Scotty: Oh, laddie, you have a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker! — Star Trek: The Next Generation , " Relics "

"My crew has managed to do in 48 hours what would've taken the armory team at Jupiter Station at least a week. To say that I'm proud of them would be an understatement ." — Captain Archer , Star Trek: Enterprise , " Silent Enemy "

Kirk: Scotty, progress report? Scotty: I'm almost done, sir. You'll be fully automated by the time we dock. Kirk: Your timing is excellent, Mr. Scott. You've fixed the barn door after the horse has come home. How much refit time till we can take her out of here? Scotty: Eight weeks, sir. But you don't have eight weeks so I'll do it for ya in two. Kirk: Mr. Scott, have you always multiplied your repair estimates by a factor of four? Scotty: Certainly, sir. How else can I keep my reputation as a miracle worker? Kirk: Your reputation is secure, Scotty. — Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Rutherford: You never admit the actual amount of time it takes to finish a job. If you did, your days would be packed. Tendi: Isn't that lying? Rutherford: No. It's "creative estimating". When you get an assignment, you exaggerate how long it's gonna take, then you're a hero when it's done early. — Star Trek: Lower Decks , " Temporal Edict "

Kermit: Sam! Are you about ready?! Sam: Yes, it is a glorious three-hour finale— Kermit: You got a minute and a half! — Muppet*Vision 3D

Teddy: Let's assume Miss Park didn't miss anything, so Mark's not going to Ares IV. Yet. But he's smart enough to figure out that's his only chance. Bruce, what's the earliest we can get a pre-supply there? Bruce: Well, with the positions of Earth and Mars, it'll take nine months. And it'll take six months to build it in the first place. Teddy: Three months. Bruce: Three? That's- Teddy: You're going to say it's impossible, and then I'm gonna make a speech about the blinding capabilities of the JPL team, and then you're going to do the math in your head and say something like "the overtime alone will be a nightmare." Bruce: The overtime alone will be a nightmare. Teddy: Get started. I'll find you the money. — The Martian

Dr. Eggman: There's been an unexpected delay on my end. There's no more time to waste! Set the timer for 15 minutes! Let's go, Rouge! Rouge: 5 minutes should be plenty! Here I got! — Sonic Adventure 2

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The Wit and Wisdom of Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott

I can't change the laws of physics!

We all deserve a break in our day to revel in the wit and wisdom of Enterprise 's beloved chief engineer, Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott.

This montage features footage from the following Star Trek : The Original Series' episodes: "Where No Man Has Gone Before," "The Naked Time," "Who Mourns for Adonais?," "The Doomsday Machine," "Wolf in the Fold," "The Changeling," "Mirror, Mirror," "I, Mudd," "The Trouble with Tribbles," "Obsession," and "A Piece of the Action."

Stay tuned to StarTrek.com for more details! And be sure to follow @StarTrek on Facebook , Twitter , and Instagram .

• Cast & crew
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Star Trek: The Next Generation

• [ Data has taken a bottle of green-colored spirit from Guinan's stock ]
• Scotty : What is it?
• Lt. Commander Data : It is...
• [ he looks and sniffs at it ]
• [ he looks at it again, obviously not any wiser ]
• Lt. Commander Data : It is green.
• Scotty : There comes a time when a man finds that he can't fall in love again. He knows that it's time to stop. I don't belong on your ship. I belong on this one. This was my home. This is where I had a purpose... But it's not real. It's just a computer-generated fantasy. And I'm just an old man who's trying to hide in it.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Look, Mr. Scott, I'd love to explain everything to you, but the Captain wants this spectrographic analysis done by 1300 hours.
• [ La Forge goes back to work; Scotty follows slowly ]
• Scotty : Do you mind a little advice? Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Yeah, well, I told the Captain I'd have this analysis done in an hour.
• Scotty : How long will it really take?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : An hour!
• Scotty : Oh, you didn't tell him how long it would *really* take, did ya?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Well, of course I did.
• Scotty : Oh, laddie. You've got a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.
• [ La Forge and Scotty are trying to get the Jenolan up and running ]
• Scotty : [ muttering ] Bunch of old, useless garbage!
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Huh?
• Scotty : I say it's old, Mr. La Forge. It can't handle the interface of your power converter. This equipment was designed for a different era. Now it's just a piece of junk.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Well, I don't know, it seems like some of it's held together pretty well.
• Scotty : Century out of date. It's just... obsolete!
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Well, you know, that's interesting, because I was just thinking that a lot of these systems haven't changed much in the last 75 years. This transporter is basically the same system we use on the Enterprise. Subspace radio and sensors still operate under the same basic principle; impulse engine design hasn't changed much in the last 200 years. If it wasn't for all the structural damage, this ship still might be in service today.
• Scotty : Maybe so. But when they can build ships like your Enterprise, who'd want to pilot an old bucket like this?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : I don't know. If this ship were operational, I bet she'd run circles around the Enterprise at impulse speeds. Just because something's old doesn't mean you throw it away.
• Scotty : Never get drunk unless you're willing to pay for it - the next day.
• [ on the holographic bridge of Scotty's Enterprise, Scotty and Picard are exchanging memories of former starships they've served on ]
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : The first vessel that I served on as captain was called Stargazer. It was an overworked, underpowered vessel, always on the verge of flying apart at the seams. In every measurable sense, my Enterprise is far superior. But there are times when I would give almost anything... to command the Stargazer again.
• Scotty : Ah, it's like the first time you fall in love. You don't ever love a woman quite like that again. Well, to the Enterprise, and the Stargazer - old girlfriends we'll never meet again.
• [ Scotty walks up to the holodeck and activates it ]
• Computer Voice : Please enter program.
• Scotty : The android at the bar said you could show me my old ship. Let me see it.
• Computer Voice : Insufficient data. Please specify parameters.
• Scotty : [ frustrated ] The Enterprise. Show me the bridge of the Enterprise, you chatterin' piece of...
• Computer Voice : There have been five Federation ships with that name. Please specify by registry number.
• Scotty : N-C-C-1-7-0-1. No bloody A - B - C - or D!
• Scotty : Take the bridge, Commander.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Oh, no. You're the senior officer here.
• Scotty : Oh, I may be captain by rank; but I never wanted to be anything else but an engineer.
• Scotty : [ of the Enterprise-D ] A good crew... and a fine ship - a credit to her name. But I've always found that a ship is only as good as the engineer who takes care of her. And from what I can see, the Enterprise is in good hands.
• Scotty : Oh, enjoy these times, Geordi. You're the Chief Engineer of a starship; and that's a time of your life that'll never come again. When it's gone - it's gone.
• Scotty : [ referring to Dr. Crusher ] Well, I'll say this about your Enterprise: the doctors are a fair sight prettier.
• [ the Enterprise crew has freed Captain Scott from a transporter buffer after 75 years ]
• Scotty : The Enterprise? I should have known. I bet Jim Kirk himself hauled the old girl out of mothballs to come looking for me.
• [ Scotty has been served a glass of "Scotch" in Ten Forward ]
• Scotty : [ to the waiter ] Laddie, I was drinking Scotch a hundred years before you were born. And I can tell you that whatever this is, it is definitely not Scotch.
• [ Scotty and Geordi are working to restore the Jenolan's systems ]
• Scotty : Shunt the deuterium from the main cryo-pump to the auxiliary tank.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Er, the tank can't withstand that kind of pressure.
• Scotty : [ laughs ] Where'd you... where'd you get that idea?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : What do you mean, where did I get that idea? It's in the impulse engine specifications.
• Scotty : Regulation 42/15 - Pressure Variances on the IRC Tank Storage?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Yeah.
• Scotty : Forget it. I wrote it. A good engineer is always a wee bit conservative, at least on paper. Just bypass the secondary cut-off valve and boost the flow. It'll work.
• Scotty : [ on new acquirements of the 24th century, such as synthehol and Data ] Synthetic Scotch, synthetic commanders...
• Scotty : Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want.
• Commander William T. Riker : Could someone survive inside a transporter buffer for 75 years?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : I know a way to find out.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : How are you feeling?
• Scotty : I don't know.
• Scotty : [ to Dr. Crusher ] How *am* I feeling?
• Doctor Beverly Crusher : Other than a few bumps and bruises I'd say you feel fine for a man of 147.
• Scotty : And I don't feel a day over 120.
• Scotty : Good Lord, man! Where have you put me?
• Ensign Kane : These are standard guest quarters, sir. I can try and find something bigger if you want.
• Scotty : *Bigger*? In my day, even an admiral would nota had such quarters on a starship.
• Scotty : [ toasting to his long gone comrades ] Here's to you, lads.
• Commander William T. Riker : [ of the shuttle that Picard has given Scotty "on extended loan" ] She's not much to look at.
• Scotty : [ grinning ] Laddie, every woman has her own charm; ye just have to know where to look for it.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : I need to get down to Engineering and begin that analysis.
• Scotty : Engineering? I thought you'd never ask!
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : I hope I'm not interrupting. I was just coming off duty and I wanted to see how you were doing.
• Scotty : Oh, not at all, not at all. Would you have a drink with me, Captain?
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Thank you.
• Scotty : [ pouring him a glass ] I don't know what it is, exactly, but I would be real careful. It's real...
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : [ downing it in one gulp ] Aldebaran whiskey. Who do you think gave it to Guinan?
• [ last lines ]
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : You take care of yourself out there.
• Scotty : Aye.
• [ the Enterprise is trapped inside the Dyson Sphere and exposed to frequent solar flares ]
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Mr. Data, we have to find some way out of here. Begin scanning for another hatch or portal that might still be open.
• Lt. Commander Data : The interior surface area is over ten to the sixteenth square kilometers. It will take seven hours to completely scan the surface, sir.
• [ the Enterprise is hit by another flare ]
• Lt. Commander Data : I will endeavor to speed up the process, sir.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : So, you were saying a little earlier that you were on your way to the Norpin colony when you experienced warp engine failure?
• Scotty : Aye, that's right. See, we had an overload in one of the plasma transfer conduits and the captain brought us out of warp and we hit some gravimetric interference, and there it was, as big as life. Oh, is that a conduit interface?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Yeah, it is. You were saying, "it's as big as life." You mean the Dyson sphere.
• Scotty : Aye, an actual Dyson sphere. Can you imagine the engineering skills needed to even design such a structure?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Yeah, I know. It's pretty amazing. So what happened when you first approached it?
• Scotty : Well, we began our standard survey of the surface and we were just completing the initial orbital scan when our aft power coil suddenly exploded.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Hmm.
• Scotty : The ship got caught in the sphere's gravity well and down we went. Franklin and I were the only ones to survive the crash.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Can I ask you a question? What in the world made you think of using the transporter pattern buffer to survive?
• Scotty : Well, we... didn't have enough supplies to wait for the rescue, so we had to think of something.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Yeah, but locking it into a diagnostic cycle so that the pattern wouldn't degrade and then cross-connecting it with the phase inducers to provide a regenerative power source... that's absolutely brilliant.
• Scotty : Well, I think it was only 50% brilliant, 'cause Franklin deserves better.
• Lt. Commander Data : Captain Scott is unaware of the existence of synthehol.
• Scotty : Sy... synthehol?
• Lt. Commander Data : Yes, sir. It is an alcohol substitute now being served aboard starships. It simulates the appearance, taste, and smell of alcohol, but the intoxicating effects can be easily dismissed.
• Scotty : You're not quite, uh... human, are you?
• Scotty : I was driving starships, while your great-grandfather was still in diapers! I think you'd be grateful for some help! I'll leave ya to work, Mr. La Forge.
• Commander William T. Riker : This looks like the front door. Should we ring the bell?
• Scotty : Geordi, I have spent my whole life trying to figure out crazy ways of doing things. I'm telling ya, as one engineer to another - I can do this.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : [ sighs ] All right. Let's do it.
• Scotty : [ ecstatic ] Aye!
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Captain Scott, I've tried to be patient, I've tried to be polite, but I've got a job to do here, and quite frankly, you're in the way.
• Scotty : Well, thank you, lads. Oh, well, we got to get Franklin out of there.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Someone else's pattern is still in the buffer?
• Scotty : Aye, Matt Franklin. We went in together.
• [ working on the console ]
• Scotty : Something's wrong. One of the inducers has failed. Boost the gain on the matter stream. Come on, Franklin. I know you're still in there.
• [ sighing ]
• Scotty : It's no use. His pattern has degraded 53%. He's gone.
• Commander William T. Riker : I'm sorry.
• Scotty : So am I. He was a good lad.
• Lt. Worf : I have restored life support. The oxygen levels will return to normal shortly.
• Commander William T. Riker : Captain Scott, Lt. Worf.
• Scotty : [ surprised ] Lieutenant?
• Lt. Worf : Yes.
• Commander William T. Riker : Captain, perhaps there are a few things we should talk about.
• Scotty : You know, we used to have something called a dynamic mode converter. You wouldna have something like that on your Enterprise, would you?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : I haven't seen anything like that in a long time, but I bet I might be able to come up with something similar.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : I must say, I was a little surprised when Commander Riker told me that you were on board the Jenolen. Our records didn't show you listed as a member of the crew.
• Scotty : Well, I was never actually a member of the crew. I was... just a passenger. I was heading for Norpin V to settle down and enjoy my retirement.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : I see. Well, I would very much enjoy the opportunity of hearing you talk about your career. I'm sure you would have some fascinating insights into the events of your time.
• Scotty : I'd be happy to.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Good. Well, I look forward to it.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : [ on the holodeck-simulated Enterprise ] Constitution-class.
• Scotty : Aye. You're familiar with them?
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : There's one in the fleet museum, but... but then, of course, this is your Enterprise.
• Scotty : I actually served on two. This was the first. She was also the first ship I ever served on as chief engineer. You know, I served aboard 11 ships; freighters, cruisers, starships... but this is the only one I think of, the only one I miss.
• Scotty : I remember a time when the old Enterprise was spiraling toward PSI 2,000.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : [ giving a PADD to a subordinate ] Yeah. Thank you.
• Scotty : And the captain wanted to try a cold start of the warp engines, and I told him that without a proper phase-lock, it would take at least 30 minutes. "You cannae change the laws of physics," I told him, but he wouldn't believe me, so I had to come up with a whole new engine start-up routine. Do you know that your dilithium crystals are going to fracture?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : [ closing the chamber ] We recomposite the crystals while they're still inside the articulation frame.
• Lt. Worf : We have entered a massive gravitational field, Captain.
• Lt. Commander Data : There are no stars or other stellar bodies listed on our navigational charts. However, sensors indicate the presence of an extremely strong gravitational source in this vicinity.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Can you localize the source of the gravitational field?
• Commander William T. Riker : [ Data puts it on the viewscreen ] Sensors?
• Lt. Commander Data : I am having difficulty scanning the object. It appears to be approximately 200 million kilometers in diameter.
• Commander William T. Riker : That's nearly as large as the Earth's orbit around the sun.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Why didn't we detect this before now?
• Lt. Commander Data : The object's enormous mass is causing a great deal of gravimetric interference. That might have prevented our sensors from detecting it before we dropped out of warp.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Mr. Data... could this be a Dyson sphere?
• Lt. Commander Data : The object does fit the general parameters of Dyson's theory.
• Commander William T. Riker : A Dyson sphere?
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : It's a very old theory, Number One. I'm not surprised that you haven't heard of it. In the 20th century, a physicist called Freeman Dyson postulated the theory that an enormous, hollow sphere could be constructed around a star. This would have the advantage of harnessing all the radiant energy of that star and any population living on the interior surface would have virtually inexhaustible sources of power.
• Commander William T. Riker : Are you saying you think there are people living in there?
• Lt. Commander Data : Possibly a great number of people, Commander. The interior surface area of a sphere this size is the equivalent of more than 250 million Class-M planets.
• Scotty : Laddie, you need to phase-lock the warp fields within 3% or they'll become unstable.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : What?
• Scotty : Well, look. Here's the warp...
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : [ Scotty recoils as a console beeps; turning the alarm off ] We use a multiphase auto-containment field now. It's meant to operate above 3%.
• Scotty : Oh, well... that would make the difference.
• Scotty : Call me Scotty!
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : You know, I think you're gonna enjoy the 24th century, Mr. Scott. We've made some pretty incredible advances these last 80 years.
• Scotty : Well, from what I've seen, you've got a fine ship, Mr. La Forge. A real beauty here. I must admit to being a bit overwhelmed.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Hmm. Wait 'til you see the holodeck.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : [ after losing contact with the Enterprise ] Can't find 'em anywhere in orbit.
• Scotty : Well, they could have crashed into the sphere like the Jenolen.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : No, we'd be picking up background radiation if they'd gone down.
• Scotty : There's another possibility. They could be inside the sphere.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Maybe. Whatever happened, we've got to find them. You know, if we could get these engines back online, we could track them with their impulse ion trail.
• Scotty : Are you daft? The main assembly's shot, the inducers have melted, the power couplings are wrecked. We'd need a week just to get started, but we don't have a week, so we've no sense in crying about it. Come on. We'll see what we can do with your power converter.
• Scotty : What have you done with the duotronic enhancers?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : [ taking a panel off to show him ] Well, those were replaced with isolinear chips about 40 years ago. It's a lot more efficient now.
• [ Scotty moves to touch one ]
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : [ stopping him ] Oh! That's an EPS power tap there.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Captain Scott, this really isn't...
• Scotty : We're in engineering. Call me Scotty.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Scotty, this really isn't a good time for a tour. We're running a phase seven survey of the Dyson sphere.
• Scotty : I'm not here for a tour, laddie. I'm here to help.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : That's very kind, but I'm sure we can handle it.
• Scotty : I was a Starfleet engineer for 52 years, Mr. La Forge. I think I'm still useful.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : You're right. We'd be grateful for any help you could give us.
• Scotty : Good. Let's get to work.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : [ inside the Dyson sphere ] Mr. Data, begin a scan of the interior surface for life forms. I want to know who brought us in here... and why.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : I understand that before the Jenolen crashed, it had conducted an extensive survey of the Dyson sphere. Have we been able to access any of those records?
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : We did try to download their memory core, but it was pretty heavily damaged in the crash. We actually haven't been able to get much out of it.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Hmm. Perhaps Captain Scott could be of use in accessing that material.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : It's possible. He does know those systems better than any of us. I'll have Lt. Bartel beam down with him.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Mr. La Forge... I would like you to accompany Captain Scott.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : Me, sir?
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Yes. Look, this is not an order. It's a request, and it's one that you must feel perfectly free to decline. You see, one of the most important things in a person's life is to feel useful. Now, Mr. Scott is a Starfleet officer, and I would like him to feel useful again.
• Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge : I'll go with him, sir.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : What do you think of the Enterprise-D?
• Scotty : She's a beauty, with a good crew.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : But?
• Scotty : But... when I was here, I could tell you the speed that we were traveling by the feel of the deck plates. But on your ship... I feel like I'm just in the way.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Well, 75 years is a long time.
• Lt. Commander Data : The sphere appears to be abandoned, Captain. Sensors show that the star is extremely unstable. It is experiencing severe bursts of radiation and matter expulsions.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : Then that would explain why they abandoned it, but if there's no one still living there, how were we brought inside?
• Lt. Commander Data : I believe we have triggered a series of automatic piloting beams designed to guide ships into the sphere.
• Lt. Worf : Sir, sensors show a large magnetic disturbance on the star's surface.
• Lt. Commander Data : It is a solar flare, Captain. Magnitude: 12. Class: B.
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : [ seeing the visual on the main viewscreen ] Shields?
• Lt. Worf : Shields are up, but only at 23%.
• Lt. Commander Data : The star has entered a period of increased activity. Sensors indicate that the solar flares will continue to grow. In three hours, our shields will no longer be sufficient to protect us, sir.
• Scotty : Maybe all we need to do is to get our foot in the door.
• Scotty : The Norpin Colony is for old men to retire. Maybe some day I'll end up there, but not yet.

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